


this is me trying

by Coby_Thinks



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Based on a Taylor Swift Song, Blood, Child Abuse, Emotional Abuse, Food mentions, Gen, Human AU, Hypothermia, I dunno why, I just hurt him, I love her new album so much, LMAO, Like literally its one of my least favorite ships, M/M, Multi, Near Death Experiences, Nightmares, No worries, PTSD, RIP, Roman presumed dead, Self Harm, Stockholm Syndrome, and so you get this, but don't cuz he's my baby, but this fic..., by one character for just a minute, enough to fuck him up, he lives tho, injuries, its fucked up, its very sad, just a little, me? Writing Prinxiety? weird, nothing else it could be, someone take away my Roman right until I deserve him, that's all i do, the title and chapter names are, this fic is prinxiety
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-24
Updated: 2020-10-17
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:40:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26075809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Coby_Thinks/pseuds/Coby_Thinks
Summary: “You are good enough!” Virgil said, to which Roman just shook his head.“No, I’m not!”“Good enough for what?” Janus asked softly. Roman sat silent for a moment, then buried his face in his arms.“For her. I’ll never be good enough for her. No matter what I do, or who I am, or where I end up, nothing is going to change.”Yes, the title and chapter names are from Taylor Swifts song from her newest album. No, I will not apologize. Yes, I highly recommend her music. That is all.Warnings: abuse, hypothermia, near death experience, Stockholm syndrome, self-harm, food mentions, injuries, etc. I'll put them on each chapter as well.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Creativitwins - Relationship, Platonic DLAMP
Comments: 16
Kudos: 63





	1. pulled the car off the road to the lookout

Roman all but held his breath as he slipped his few possessions into a backpack. The house was quiet, not that anyone expected different at two in the morning in a house closer to being in the middle of nowhere than anywhere else. Maybe that was an exaggeration, but it was certainly something to think about. It took an hour to walk to the nearest town, and he was planning on going much further than that.

Once sure he had everything he needed, Roman pulled the backpack on and his hood up, putting on gloves to protect from the biting cold outside. Why was he born in January? Why couldn't he have been born in June or something? He just sighed and shook his head, treading almost silently down the stairs toward the front door. If this went right, he’d be on a bus out of the city before his mother even woke up.

For a moment, one glorious moment as Roman stood on the front porch, he thought it was going to work. He smiled, breathing out a cloud of mist into the darkness. It had snowed, but that was okay. He could handle a little cold. He’d do anything to get away from-

“And where do you think you’re going, boy?” Roman halted, heart freezing in the cold and dropping to the porch. He slowly turned, not meeting his mother’s eyes. She grabbed him and pulled him back in, slamming the door behind them. “Well?”

“I-I was-” she smacked him across the face and Roman stumbled, clamping his mouth shut.

“You think just because you’re a legal adult now you can pack up and leave?” she sneered, pulling the backpack from Roman’s shoulders and throwing it across the room. Roman didn’t respond, staring at the floor. She grabbed his chin and forced him to look up, her manicured nails dug into the skin on his face.

“You think anyone out there would want to deal with you for another eighteen years? For any amount of time?” She asked, forcing him to shake his head. “No one wants you, boy. That’s why your father left and took your brother with him. It’s your fault they left and you know it.” Roman blinked back tears, her nails were really starting to hurt. She shoved him away and Roman winced, falling to the floor.

“Please…”

“Oh, you said please, did you?” She laughed, coming to stand above him. “You really want to leave me that much? You think I’m a bad mother? You think anyone else would take you in?” Roman didn’t answer, but it seemed he didn’t have to. “Fine.”

“What?” Roman’s head shot up to stare at her and she kicked at it irritably. Roman ducked, then slowly got to his feet.

“You heard me.” she hissed. “Go. you can’t take anything of mine, though, so the backpack stays here.” 

Roman nodded slowly, backing toward the door. Before he knew it, she was beside him with a hand gripping the hood of his sweatshirt.

“Now that I think about it…” she sneered. “This is mine too. I bought it for you, so it’s mine. Take it off and leave it.” 

“But-”

“DO IT!” the woman screamed, slapping him again. Roman obeyed, quickly pulling off what was supposed to be his main protection from the cold. 

Once done, she made him return the gloves. The shoes. His shirt. Roman was left standing near the door with only his jeans and socks on, holding back tears.

“Well?” she asked, putting a hand on his back between the shoulder blades, digging her nails into his skin again. “You wanted to leave. So leave. Get out of my house.”

“But-”

“This is what you wanted.” She laughed, pulling the door open and shoving Roman out into the frigid air. “Leave, or stay, I don’t care. If you decide to stay, you’ll still be out here until sunrise as punishment.” and the door slammed shut, locked, and left Roman already shaking violently from the cold.

He sank to his knees, tears finally falling. What was he supposed to do? He’d already had basically nothing, but now that was real and terrifying. He’d had enough change he’d stolen from her to take a bus, and he had his stash of food in that backpack as well.

Roman stumbled to his feet, wrapping his arms around his bare, bruised chest as he thought. 

Logan had once rambled on and on once about what would happen if they were trapped outside in the cold - as Virgil had been overly anxious about the coming snowstorm. That was a year ago, but Roman hoped his advice had been correct.

_ “Don’t stay still,” he’d said. “Even if you’re lost and need to stay in one place, move enough to keep warm, but not sweat. Unless you have a fire or shelter, you need to keep moving so you don’t freeze.” _

And Roman wasn’t going to sit on the porch as his mother wanted. He’d planned to leave, so he might as well leave. He turned away from the house and braced himself, stepping off into the unshoveled snow covering their driveway. He shuddered, socks immediately growing soaked and frigid.

Oh god… what on earth was he supposed to do?

* * *

Virgil didn’t realize what he was looking at for a good two minutes as he drove toward it on the road. At first, he wondered if it was a very lost bear - or bigfoot? But no, as he got closer he recognized it as a human. A half-naked Human, in the freezing cold in January. He hit the brakes, slowing as he got ever closer. 

What was someone doing way out here? He was still ten minutes away from town, by car. They were walking away from the city, in the cold, on foot?

The person on the side of the road looked up, and Virgil recognized the face despite it being filled with terror and covered in bruises.

“Roman?” Virgil quickly put his car into park, despite still being in the middle of the road - no one used this road anyway. He hadn’t seen his best friend since the other moved away six months ago. They’d promised to contact each other, but Roman had never returned a text or call. Neither Logan nor Patton had heard from him, either.

And now here he was, on the side of a road in the middle of nowhere, freezing to death?

“Roman, what the fuck are you doing out here?” he demanded, pulling off his hoodie to wrap around the other. Roman groaned softly as he did so, sinking into it. Virgil’s heart sank at the sight of him. He was covered in bruises, and he only had on socks and jeans against the cold. His fingertips were literally blue, so were his lips.

“Get in the fucking truck,” Virgil demanded, pushing Roman before him as he went to the passenger side door. “I thought you moved to Florida.” Roman didn’t answer, but Virgil hadn’t really expected him to. He got Roman into the car and then sprinted to the driver’s side, pulling out his phone.

Of all the places he thought he might see Roman again, he hadn’t expected it to be on one of Virgil’s morning drives to nowhere - only an hour away from the city he’d moved away from. Virgil U-turned away from where Roman had come from, heading back toward home with a worried look at his friend. Roman didn’t return it, just stared blankly at the dashboard as he shivered. 

The heat was on, and Virgil didn’t want to turn it up higher in case that could do something weird to him like put him in shock. He grabbed his phone - which he’d dropped on the center console to get buckled, despite his anxiety about driving while trying to call someone, and held it near the steering wheel so he could watch both the road and the screen until he’d managed to mash Logan’s contact.

“Virgil?” Logan asked, obviously having just woken up. “It’s five AM.”

“What do you do with someone who’s been in the cold and is turning blue?” Virgil demanded. Logan sighed.

“As long as you say inside, you’ll be-”

“This isn’t about me!” Virgil snapped. “He’s literally turned blue, Logan!”

“O-oh.” muffled sounds as Logan seemed to be sitting up. “Deep breaths, Virgil. Where are you?”

“Somewhere in the country.” Virgil groaned. “I was just driving around, you know because I was thinking too much. That’s when I found him walking in the snow,  _ shirtless _ , and his fingers and lips are blue! What am I supposed to do?”

“Take them to the hospital,” Logan said. Virgil could tell he was now on speakerphone. “Do you know who they are?” Virgil frowned. Hadn’t he said that? Maybe not.

“It’s Roman.”

Silence. Virgil glanced over to his friend, who now had tears rolling down his face.

“Lo?”

“I’ll meet you at the emergency room. Do you want me to call Patton?”

“He’ll kill us if you don’t.” Virgil laughed anxiously. “Will he be okay until I get to the hospital? I’m like forty-five minutes away.”

“If he can, get him to take off any wet clothes and replace it with some of your random outfits lost in the backseat,” Logan suggested. “Nothing else you can do.” 

“Alright.” Virgil nodded, hanging up. He glanced over at Roman. “Ro, there should be a few pairs of dry socks in the backseat. I can’t stop because we need to get you medical attention, but-”

“What?” Roman’s head snapped around to stare and he shook his head.

“What do you mean?”

“I’m not going to see a doctor,” Roman said softly. Virgil stared at him, though he kept one eye on the road.

“What the fuck do you mean you aren’t going to see a doctor? You could have hypothermia! If I hadn’t been out here, you would have died! Died, Roman. Dead on the side of the road like a fucking deer.” Roman winced. “I’m taking you to the hospital, Ro. You’re supposed to be in Florida right now.”

“I’ve never been to Florida,” Roman muttered bitterly, turning in his seat to look for the socks. Virgil didn’t know what to say to that, so he stayed silent. 

If Roman and his Mom didn’t move to Florida, then where had they been? They’d left six months ago to stay with his Aunt. Or at least that’s what they told everyone.

“Thank you,” Roman said softly, sitting back normally and pulling off his freezing wet socks. 

“Thank me by letting someone make sure you won’t die,” Virgil said, swallowed thickly. 

He had so many questions. Questions about why Roman was out here. Why he wasn’t in Florida where he said he’d be. Why he was covered in all ages of bruises and why he’d never contacted them all again. But all he could focus on right now was getting Roman to the hospital - they could talk after Virgil knew his fingers and toes weren’t going to turn black and fall off with frostbite.

They rode in silence until Virgil pulled into the hospital parking lot.

“I’m sorry,” Roman said softly. Virgil looked at him and sighed.

“Let’s just get you checked on, alright?” Roman nodded and they both got out. Virgil hurried to Roman’s side, pulling at the sweatshirt in an attempt to help, but Roman was smaller than him anyway. Virgil couldn't help but notice he was also painfully skinny. Roman was walking with timid, limping steps. Wincing like every one hurt. That wasn’t good.

Logan and Patton sat in the waiting area of the emergency room, but both stood when Roman and Virgil entered.

“I’ve explained to them what I know,” Logan said in explanation when a nurse was immediately there, guiding them to a room. “Hello, Roman.” Roman mumbled something softly, watching them all anxiously. 

In the light of the emergency room, Virgil realized just how awful Roman looked. He’d made out the bruises in the morning light, but it had still been dark. He looked like… like he’d been beaten up. A lot.

“You were out in the cold last night?” the nurse asked him. Roman nodded. “How long were you out there?”

“Si-since uh…” Roman glanced worriedly at Virgil before answering. “Since two this morning.” The nurse hesitated, then turned to the three of them standing there.

“Why don’t you guys all wait outside for a moment?” 

“But-”

“Come on, Virgil.” Logan gently took Virgil’s arm and they left, Virgil felt tears well up in his eyes. “Let’s sit down and you can explain a little more.”

“Right…” Virgil looked behind him at the door between him and Roman. “okay.”

* * *

“Your name’s Roman?” the nurse asked. Roman nodded, sitting stiffly on the bed. “And you were out there since two this morning?” he nodded again, biting his lip. “Tell me how you know those boys. Brothers?”

“N-no…” Roman swallowed. “We uh, we’re friends. My brother lives in Texas with my dad.”

“And what about your mother?” she asked, pulling a blanket over him and taking his hands to look at them. Roman stayed silent, letting her take off Virgil’s socks to look at his feet. “Roman?” She looked up at him. Roman just shook his head, tears welling up in his eyes again. So she continued on, checking his heartbeat and writing things down on a clipboard for about eight minutes. 

“...alright.” She stood up. “You were walking, right?”

“Y-yeah,” Roman whispered. 

“I’m going to get a doctor in here really soon just to make sure you’re okay, and you need to stay as warm as possible in the next few days.” the nurse said, returning Virgil’s socks to him to put on himself. “I’ll tell your friends they can come in now.”

“Thanks,” Roman said softly, pulling on the socks. She left and he pulled the blanket tighter around himself, burying his face in its softness. He heard the others come in but didn’t look up at them when they did.

“...Roman?” Patton asked timidly. Roman didn’t respond. God, how long had it actually been since anyone used his name? Six months. It had been bad before they moved, of course, but once they got to that isolated little house in the country? She didn’t hold anything back. 

“Oh, quite a party in here isn’t it?” a new voice, who must be the doctor, laughed. Roman lifted his head to look. With him on the bed, and his friends all standing near it, the room seemed crowded. But Logan and Patton moved to a set of chairs by the wall to make room for the doctor.

“Is he okay?” Virgil demanded. Roman almost started crying again, but he swallowed and blinked the tears away.

“Well,” the doctor, whose tag read ‘Sanders’, looked down at the clipboard and then at Roman. “You were out there for around three hours? Virgil here picked you up around five.” Roman nodded, slowly, staring down at the blanket around him. “And you were wearing the same as you are now?”

“I gave him the hoodie when I found him.” Virgil corrected. “He was… he was only wearing jeans and socks.”

“Alright.” Dr. Sanders nodded. “Well, it does look like you have mild hypothermia, Roman. You managed to stay dry other than your socks, which helped but only marginally. You’re lucky Virgil found you because hardly anyone drives out there anymore.” Roman nodded. That was why they moved there.

“So he’ll be okay?” Virgil asked, voice filled with relief that made Roman want to sob. Dr. Sanders hesitated.

“Roman,” Roman looked up so Dr. Sanders could see his face. “The cold is only half of your problems, young man. We need to talk to you about the rest, do you want your friends here for that?” Roman hesitated, eyes flitting from face to face. Then he slowly nodded. They’d already seen him like this, so why not explain? 

“Hot chocolate.” a nurse said, walking in and holding it out to him. Roman stared at it, then accepted it carefully with a shaking hand. His fingers were no longer blue.

“Why were you out there?” Dr. Sanders asked. Roman didn’t answer for a moment, sipping his hot chocolate. But he knew he had to, and they were all waiting for an answer.

“I turned eighteen yesterday.” he began softly. “So I was going to leave, come back here or go find my dad in Texas.” The second part wasn’t true, but that wasn’t important. “She wasn’t happy about that plan, and took my stuff and my shoes and shirt and jacket.” Saying it out loud was weird, and he couldn't stop the tears from falling onto the blanket. “Then she made me go outside because it was my idea anyway. She said I couldn't go inside till sunrise. I didn’t want to stay there, so I still left.”

“And, this was your…?”

“Mom,” Roman whispered softly, staring intently down at his hot chocolate. Patton gasped, but he ignored it.

“Alright. And you wanted to leave because?”

“Look at my face and say you don’t know.” Roman snapped, lifting his head to glare at him. Dr. Sanders sighed, nodding slightly. Roman closed his eyes and shook his head. “I just wanted to leave.”

“Ro…” Roman glanced up when Virgil spoke. He was crying, too. Roman wasn’t sure if he hated it or not, because he hated it when Virgil cried. But he was so relieved that Virgil didn’t hate him for up and leaving without another word.

“Right, well.” Dr. Sanders looked around at Roman’s friends before looking at him. “You are an adult now, so it’s really up to you if you want to press charges against her.” 

“I don’t,” Roman said softly.

“Roman,” Dr. Sanders put a hand on his shoulder, and Roman met his eyes fearfully. “She knew very well you could catch Hypothermia and die out there. Sunrise hasn’t even happened yet. If Virgil didn’t find you, you’d have collapsed by now.” Roman didn’t say anything, how could he? She was his mother, he couldn't report her to the police.

“Just think about it, okay?” Dr. Sanders smiled supportively and stood. “We want you to stay here until your body temperature is healthy again, do you have a place to go after that?” Roman hesitated, then shook his head. Virgil scoffed.

“Yeah you do, meathead. You’re coming home with me.”

“I am?” Roman asked, surprised. Sure, Virgil didn’t want him to die. But he still wanted Roman over? After Roman just left and didn’t contact him ever again?

“Of course you are. I have an apartment, and there’s no way in hell I’m letting you near her again.” Virgil rolled his eyes. Dr. Sanders chuckled.

“Alright, we’ll be back in a little while to check your temperature and with some new clothes.” He said, then gently shut the door behind him. Patton got up and went to stand by Roman, tears in his eyes.

“Can I hug you?” he asked softly. Roman nodded.

“Just don’t spill hot chocolate on yourself.” He mumbled. Patton nodded, wrapping Roman in what was probably the most gentle hug he’d ever given anyone in his life. Roman smiled, hugging Patton with the arm that wasn’t holding hot chocolate.

“I’m glad you’ll be alright.” Logan offered from where he stood behind Patton. Roman shrugged, sitting back as Patton let go.

“God, why’d you have to go and terrify me like that?” Virgil asked angrily, wiping tears away. Roman didn’t answer. It wasn’t his fault Virgil was driving around the country like a crazy person at five am. They remained silent for a moment before Virgil let out a mix of a laugh and a sob. “I thought you were bigfoot until I got close.” Roman laughed, choking on his sip of hot chocolate.

“I-I’m five foot two, Virgil.” he protested. “How could I be bigfoot?”

“It’s just what I thought!” Virgil explained. “We were in the middle of nowhere.”

“Whatever.” Roman sighed, smiling for the first time in ages. “I see how it is.”

“They’re back to the rivalry,” Logan noted, adjusting his glasses. Virgil rolled his eyes. “Roman, are you sure about not pressing charges?” Roman scowled.

“I’m sure! Geez, stop asking me that.”

“I only asked once.” Logan pointed out. Roman just glared at him, then took another sip of hot chocolate.

“I’m not going to call the cops on my own mother.” He said firmly. “So forget it.”


	2. having a hard time adjusting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter twoooo let's get some more ANGST
> 
> Warnings: PTSD, abuse mentions, food mentions, Stockholm syndrome, self-deprecation, nightmares

Dr. Sanders cleared Roman to leave around noon, after making absolutely sure that he was going to Virgil’s house to rest and stay warm. Roman didn’t seem happy about this, but Virgil sure as heck was. He didn’t want to let Roman out of his sight for the next six months, to make up for the past ones. 

“You guys wanna come with?” he asked as the group of four entered the parking lot. Logan frowned, glancing at Roman. Roman shrugged.

“We’ll meet you at your place.” he decided. Virgil nodded, walking to his truck with Roman. They got in and Virgil immediately turned on the heat, making sure Roman was still wrapped in the hospital blanket. He started driving, and Roman remained silent until they reached the apartment building.

“I forgot you were older than me,” Roman mumbled. Virgil chuckled.

“Only a few months. I just moved in three weeks ago. Now come on, Princey. It’s cold out here.”

“I know,” Roman muttered. Virgil bit his lip, but he led Roman to the second floor and showed him inside the apartment. It only had one bedroom, but there was a couch and a hideabed underneath it for sleepovers. He gently pushed Roman into the couch, then went to the closet for blankets.

“Be prepared to be pampered.” He declared, bringing a stack over to bury Roman in. Roman shook his head, not meeting Virgil’s eyes.

“You don’t have to do this, you know,” he whispered, voice breaking slightly in the middle of the sentence. Virgil scowled.

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“You don’t have to take care of me,” Roman said, messing with the blanket around him. “I know I was… kind of shitty for leaving and not texting you back. I get that you’re probably pissed off, and-”

“Shut up Romano.” Virgil tossed a blanket over Roman’s head. “I’m not pissed off, I’m worried and hungry. So are you.”

“Wh-” Roman stared at Virgil pulled out his phone to text Logan and Patton. “What are you doing?”

“Telling Logan to grab pizzas,” Virgil muttered, flopping onto the couch next to Roman. “You still like pepperoni right?”

“Haven’t had pizza in six months so probably,” Roman muttered.   
Virgil nodded, trying not to show how it felt like Roman’s words dug into his heart. They sat there for a little while, not saying anything. What was Virgil supposed to say? It’s not like finding out your best friend who randomly ghosted you was actually abused and almost killed by his crazy mother is a _normal_ thing in Virgil’s life. It was about twenty minutes later when Roman spoke again.

“Thanks for stopping.”

“You really are dumb.” Virgil sighed, shaking his head in disbelief. “Of course, Ro. Who do you think I am? You’re lucky you didn’t get frostbite or die, you realize that right? You were still out there for three hours.”

“I’m just trying to thank you!” Roman said in annoyance. “What, am I not allowed to be grateful you saved my sorry ass?”

“Alright, whatever.” Virgil sighed, rubbing his eyes. “Just know that if I ever find you half-naked in the cold again, I’m doing the exact same fucking thing.”

“I’d hope so,” Logan said as he and Patton entered with two pizzas. “I’d worry about your responsibility as an adult otherwise.”

“Shut up,” Virgil muttered, getting to his feet. He pushed Roman back down when he did the same. “No, you stay here and rest. I’ll get you pizza.”

“Virge…” Roman sighed in defeat when Virgil threw another blanket at him. Virgil went and piled two pieces on a plate before returning it to Roman.

“What do you wanna watch?” he asked, walking to the tv and turning it on. “I have Moana, Frozen, Brother Bear…”

“Moana works,” Roman mumbled through his bite of pizza. Virgil nodded and put the disc in, then went to get his own late lunch.

“Sorry it took us so long,” Patton giggled as they all sat down. “Traffic was awful.”

“Don’t you guys have stuff to do today?” Roman wondered, looking around at them all. He’d already finished one piece of pizza and was halfway through the second. Virgil hated how hungry he must have been.

“Ro, it’s Saturday,” Virgil explained. “All I was going to do today was drive around for ages and then come home and mope.”

“Yeah, and you’re more important than anything we would have had planned anyway,” Patton added. Roman made a small sound of disbelief but filled his mouth with pizza immediately after, so Virgil couldn't be sure. 

They sat there in silence, watching the movie, and eating. Virgil couldn't stop looking over at Roman, taking in his battered state. Yeah, the people at the emergency room had helped with that, but they couldn't make the bruises and scratches magically go away. They couldn't erase what Roman’s mother had apparently been doing to him for at least six months. They couldn't stop Virgil’s thoughts from spiraling to and from his friend. Only halfway through the movie, Virgil realized Roman had fallen asleep, slumped over in his pile of blankets.

Virgil adjusted the blankets to let Roman’s head fall at a more comfortable angle, averting his eyes from the bruises around Roman’s throat.

“D’you think he’ll be okay?” Patton asked softly.

“Physically, I’m sure Roman will be perfectly alright,” Logan replied, adjusting his glasses. “It will take time, of course, but he’ll be alright. As for his emotions and mind… well, Roman’s always been the most stubborn of us.” Virgil laughed, wiping tears away from his eyes.

“Yeah. God, guys…” he buried his face in his hands, shaking his head. 

“Awe, it’s okay.” Patton stood up to wrap Virgil in a hug. “He’s here now, and I know you well enough to know he’ll be here for a while.”

“Damn right.” Virgil sniffled. “He’s gonna stay on that couch forever.”

“That will not be good for his spine.” Logan pointed out, collecting the paper plates from around the room. Virgil chuckled again.

“I just wish we could have done something before this.”

* * *

Roman groaned, reaching to rub his eyes only to find his hands weighed down by… something? He opened his eyes and stared in surprise at the pile of blankets surrounding him. What? The room he was in wasn’t at their house, either. So what- Virgil looked over from the table and Roman remembered.

“You’re awake.” Virgil sighed in relief, walking over as Roman sat up, pushing the blankets away. “Logan and Patton had to leave, you were sleeping for a while.”

“What time is it?” Roman mumbled, combing his hair back with his hands. He needed to get it cut when he had money.

“Almost seven,” Virgil said, sitting down next to him. Roman saw him wringing his hands and frowned, looking up to meet his friends’ gaze. “Roman…” Roman sighed, turning to face Virgil better.

“Yeah?”

“What did you think you were going to do?” Virgil asked softly, shaking his head. “Where did you think you were going to go?” Roman frowned, staring down at his hands. 

“I…”

“I understand you hated that place, but-”

“I had a plan, okay?” Roman snapped, pulling his legs up to his chest. “I had a stash of food, I had the money I stole from her, I had everything I needed but she…” tears burned his eyes and he shook his head, burying his face in his knees. “She woke up, and I couldn't do anything but leave when she threw me out. I was going to go to the nearest bus station and take a bus here, but then when she took my stuff I didn’t have money. They don’t let you on busses barefoot anyway.”

“I’m sorry.” Roman glanced up to see Virgil’s distressed face. “God, I’m awful. I just… I’m just so worried and I’m confused. I can’t get the idea out of my head that you could’ve…” He trailed off, and Roman had nothing to say. 

What was he supposed to say? Anything he could reply with would only hurt Virgil more. And he didn’t want to think about that, anyway. He didn’t want to think about the fact that he hadn’t been able to feel his feet for the majority of the walk. He didn’t want to think about the fact that he’d hoped for a car to fail to notice him and hit him, or that he’d find a bridge to jump off. He didn’t want to think about the fact that he hadn’t recognized Virgil for the first five minutes they’d been driving together. He didn’t want to think about anything, but he had to think about something. 

“Oh, Ro…” Virgil whispered when Roman burst into tears, pulling the blanket up over his face. 

He hated this, all of this. He hated how cold he still felt, and he hated the way everything still hurt like it had when he was with his mother. He’d thought, for some reason, that leaving the house and her behind would just make everything okay. That it would fix his life and he could keep going. But here he was in his friend’s apartment, with nothing to his name but bruises and hypothermia. He didn’t have anything.

Virgil gently grabbed Roman’s shoulders and Roman tried to pull away, but Virgil just pulled him into a tight embrace. The touch felt like fire. Virgil was so warm, and Roman hadn’t had a full hug for so long that it just made him feel more pathetic. 

They sat there for a while, Roman had never been good at judging the passage of time, and it had gotten worse after graduating high school and staying with his mother almost constantly. But after that while, Virgil reluctantly released him and sat back, brushing tears from his cheeks.

“You hungry?”

Roman pushed his hands away. He didn’t need to feel more like a child, but then reluctantly nodded at Virgil’s intense stare. He’d been hungry for six months.

“Okay, uh,” Virgil stood up and Roman could see his hands shaking, which only made him feel worse. “I’ll see what I have. Would you mind leftover pizza?”

“Anything’s great,” Roman said honestly, pulling a blanket up around his shoulders. He looked up at the clock on Virgil’s wall, then regretted it almost immediately.

_ It was time to make dinner for his mother.  _

“You still work at the pet store?” Roman asked, trying to distract himself.

“Hm? Oh, yeah. I’m almost done with hair school, by this time next year I should be a stylist.” Virgil shrugged. “Do you want this microwaved?”

“Doesn’t matter. Hey, wanna dye my hair rainbow?”

“What?” Virgil held back a laugh as he walked over with the two plates of cold pizza. “I mean, your hair’s pretty dark so we might have to bleach it first but probably?” Roman nodded, picking at the cheese on his pizza with a scowl.

_ Was she making herself dinner? Was she going to remember to eat? _

“Ro?”

Roman looked up, eyes wide.

“Huh?”

“Just… wondering if you wanted to watch steven universe or something,” Virgil mumbled. “I usually do when I’m eating.” Roman nodded excitedly.

“Oh, yes! I haven’t watched that in forever!” Virgil chuckled and picked up the remote from the arm of the couch.

“Anyway, I really am sorry about asking…” he said softly as he turned on the show. Roman shrugged.

“It was an important question.” he mumbled. “you don’t want a crazy person in your house.”

“That’s not why I asked and you know it, Princey.” Virgil scoffed. Roman took a bite out of his pizza to avoid responding, turning his attention to the beginning of the show.

_ What if she forgot to take care of herself again? It’d be all Roman’s fault. _

“I love this episode,” Roman said softly, trying to force the worried thoughts from his mind. She’d be fine. It was her fault he was gone now, anyway. And it wasn’t up to Roman to worry about that.

“Oh yeah, I forgot Logan said you should probably shower before you go back to sleep,” Virgil said after a few minutes. Roman looked over at him and frowned.

“I don’t have any clean clothes.” He pointed out as if he’d had clean clothes when living with his mother. Virgil rolled his eyes.

“You’ll borrow mine. Deal with it.” 

“But-”

“Deal,” Virgil repeated and Roman nodded, not voicing the fact that he was five foot two and skinny, and Virgil was around six feet tall and muscular. He was too tired to try and be realistic right now.

* * *

“I don’t think we thought this through,” Roman said. Virgil turned from where he was pulling out the hideabed and snorted, hand flying to his mouth to keep from laughing.

He looked better - the shower had certainly helped. But he was right about one thing - Virgil’s extra pajama shirt hung loosely off his shoulders, covering his hands and falling just above his knees. The sweatpants had the same problem.

“Fuck, Ro, I-” Virgil tried to keep from laughing. “I forgot.”

“You forgot you were a giant?” Roman chuckled, joining him by the taken apart couch. Virgil shrugged.

“Well, we’ll call Patton tomorrow and ask if he has any you can borrow, he’s more your size right?”

“I think so,” Roman said, pushing the sleeves up so he could use his hands and help Virgil pull the bed out. Virgil scowled, gently grabbing his wrists.

“Ro, I got it. You need to be resting.”

“I can’t till the bed’s out anyway.” Roman sighed, stepping back to let Virgil finish setting it up. “It literally fills half of your house up.”

“Yeah.” Virgil shrugged. “I’ll grab more blankets.”

“I’m not that cold anymore, Virgil.” Roman protested. Virgil ignored him, pulling the closet open only to find he’d already used all his extra blankets to cover Roman earlier. He did have a lot of blankets, for one guy living alone, but when you need enough for a blanket fort that’s what happens.

“Fine.” Virgil closed the closet. “But only because I don’t actually own any more blankets.” Roman nodded, flopping down onto the bed.

“This is way nicer than the couch, just saying,” he mumbled, pulling a pillow over his face. Virgil laughed, picking up the wad of blankets to drop on top of him.

“Just get some sleep, okay? And tell me if you need anything.”

“Right.” Roman snuggled among the blankets, only the top of his head poking out.

Virgil walked to his room and paused, turning at the doorway. Roman was fine. He was probably asleep already. But he still hated the idea of leaving him. It was like Virgil was afraid if he left, he’d come back to find Roman had vanished, or frozen to death. The image of Roman lying unconscious in the snow flashed in his head, even though he’d never seen such a thing. Virgil sighed, then went to his bed and grabbed his pillow and the last blanket he hadn’t covered Roman in, and set up on the floor in his doorway. He wouldn’t get any sleep tonight regardless, but he’d be way more anxious if he was in his room with a wall between them. At least, that’s what he thought. But the long stressful day had made him more tired than he thought, and now that he was lying down and certain Roman was alright for now, he couldn't stop his eyelids from drooping slightly.

Virgil hadn’t meant to fall asleep, and he was woken to distressed mutters from the pile of blankets that was Roman. What? Virgil groaned, rubbing his eyes before checking the time. It was one in the morning.

It took him a moment to remember why Roman was in his living room, and he only did when Roman gasped, suddenly pushing the blankets away and sitting up.

“Roman?” Virgil scrambled to his feet. Roman sat on the hideabed, staring at the wall the same blank way he’d stared at the dashboard of Virgil’s truck. Virgil watched him worriedly, unsure of what to do. He didn’t want to freak him out, and Roman was obviously not completely awake. “Roman, you okay?”

When he walked around to stand in front of his friend, Virgil’s eyes widened when he saw the tears rolling down his face. 

“Roman, hey…” Virgil gently joined him on the hideabed and touched his shoulder. Roman yelped, turning with a panicked expression on his face. They stared at each other for a moment, Virgil not daring to touch him again. Then Roman reached up and rubbed the tears off his face, taking a few deep breaths.

“Virgil?”

“Are you okay?” Virgil asked - though he knew what the answer was. To Virgil’s surprise, Roman didn’t answer. Instead, he just flung himself into Virgil’s arms, gripping the fabric of Virgil’s tank top as if he was afraid letting go would mean Virgil could slip away.

At this realization, Virgil felt awful. Sure, he was afraid of losing Roman - but what about Roman? He’d lost them all for six months, and dealt with who knows what? Of course, he’d be terrified of losing them again. The thought of Roman being afraid hadn’t crossed Virgil’s mind until seeing him in the snow today, and it had left him as soon as he knew Roman was safe.

“It’s okay,” Virgil said, though he knew it wasn’t. He hugged Roman back, hating just how thin the other was. “I’m right here, okay? Not going anywhere.” Roman didn’t reply, and he didn’t loosen his grip on Virgil’s pajamas. Virgil didn’t mind - he didn’t mind being completely certain that Roman was right there and real. And he didn’t mind letting Roman prove it that he was there, either. 

Soon enough, Roman had drifted off to sleep again, still slumped against Virgil’s chest. That was good - he needed rest. Virgil pulled a blanket over Roman’s back, so he stayed as warm as he could while in that position because Virgil sure as hell wasn’t going to move away and wake Roman up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There we gooo my dudes  
> next chapter is a real rollercoaster of emotions so get readyyyyyyy my guyssssssss  
> Love you all,  
> -Coby


	3. wasted like all my potential

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Consistent updates? Who's she? Never heard of her.  
> Sorry I've been MIA lmaooo I meant to update sooner I just lost track of life for a hot second there.
> 
> Warnings: death mentions, thinking someone is dead, suicide mention, abuse mention, food mention, past abuse, PTSD, Stockholm syndrome, angst

Roman sighed softly. He was more comfortable than he had been in a while - who knew hideabeds could be comfortable? He was surrounded by warmth and blankets, and Virgil’s steady breathing under his head was calming. Had he fallen asleep on Virgil after his nightmare? Roman’s face flushed and he sat up, rubbing his eyes. Great, just great. No need to try and make Virgil feel like Roman was going to be okay, not when he could just freak out and latch onto him all night. His mother was right, Roman really was pathetic.

“Roman?” Virgil sat up as well. “Did I wake you up?”

“No?” Roman frowned. “You could’ve moved if you wanted.” How long had Virgil been awake and not moved so Roman could sleep?

“It’s chill.” Virgil yawned, getting off the hideabed. “I’ll call and ask Patton about borrowing some clothes.”

“Sure.” Roman shrugged, messing with the huge sleeves on the shirt he was wearing. 

Ugh, he wasn’t tired anymore, but he really just didn’t want to do anything. What time was it? Roman didn’t dare look at the clock, knowing if he saw how late he was to make his mom breakfast he’d completely lose it. He knew it was pretty late, the sun was already shining outside Virgil’s apartment. He was so late with his chores.

Suddenly, Roman felt way too restless to stay on the bed and clambered off as well, tripping over the end of Virgil’s sweatpants. Virgil had stepped into his bedroom, though the door was open. Roman knew that if he saw Roman trying to do anything considered ‘work’ he’d freak out and bury him in blankets again, but Roman couldn't just keep sitting around being bored, so he started picking up and folding the blankets from the floor and bed. 

“Roman!” Roman winced. Sure enough, Virgil seemed upset. “You should be resting!”

“I’m fine.” Roman insisted, picking up another blanket. Virgil had his phone to his ear, and he was about to retort when Patton answered the call. Roman gave Virgil puppy dog eyes and Virgil sighed, shaking his head in defeat. 

“Hey, Patt- yeah he’s alright. We just found a slight problem in the wardrobe department.” Roman smirked a bit, looking down at the much too big clothes he was wearing. “I forgot that I’m like, two sizes bigger than he is and he obviously doesn’t have anything, do you think you can spare- yeah. Thanks, Patt.”

“Thanks, Patton!” Roman yelled, throwing another folded blanket on the stack. Virgil rolled his eyes and Roman heard Patton laugh through the phone.

“Yeah, see you then.” Virgil hung up, then started helping Roman fold the blankets. “He’s coming over around ten. And you really should be-”

“I rested all day and night.” Roman pointed out, balancing the last blanket atop the pile. “You have a lot of blankets.”

“For movie nights,” Virgil explained. “I have the biggest apartment, and Patton still lives with his parents.”

“Oh yeah.”

“What do you want for breakfast?” Virgil asked, folding up the hideabed. “I have lucky charms and captain crunch.”

“I’m not hungry,” Roman said, shrugging. He’d eaten a lot last night - that much pizza could generally hold him over for a week.

“Yes, you are.” Virgil stood up and brushed his hair out of his face. “Come on, Ro. We’re gonna eat some super unhealthy cereal like we’re eight-year-olds.”

“Well if you phrase it like that,” Roman said unenthusiastically, following Virgil over to the kitchen half of the living area.

“You need to eat,” Virgil said, pulling out two mismatched cereal bowls. “You’re too freaking skinny.”

“Says the giant.” Roman pointed out, though he knew Virgil was right. He hadn’t eaten enough for a long time.

“Very funny.” Virgil made a face, holding up the two cereal boxes. “Which one do you want?”

“Lucky Charms, I guess.” Roman sighed, not even attempting an Irish accent like he usually would. Virgil nodded.

“Sit down, just let me get it for you,” he asked softly. Roman scowled but decided he might as well let Virgil feel better by sitting down at the table.

“Did you have any plans today?” Roman asked, suddenly worried he might be messing up Virgil’s schedule. Yeah, it was a Sunday, but Virgil wasn’t religious and Roman wasn’t sure what he usually did.

“No, I didn’t until yesterday morning.” Virgil sat down and put a bowl of cereal in front of him. Roman sighed, picking up the spoon reluctantly. “Today, I’m making sure you get better.”

“I am better,” Roman muttered, glaring at the cereal. “I’m warm, aren’t I?”

“You know what I mean.” Virgil sighed. “I just… You know I’m worried about you.”

“You worry about everything.” Roman pointed out, grudgingly taking a bite of cereal. Virgil rolled his eyes.

“What did we do before you moved and we hung out all day? We hung out and acted like twelve-year-olds at a sleepover.”

“So we’re gonna have a pillow fight?” Roman asked incredulously.

“No!” Virgil groaned, facepalming. Roman chuckled.

“Okay, I get it. Sorry.” He stirred the cereal in front of him before taking another bite. It's not like he didn’t like food, or that he actually wasn’t hungry, because he was. It just made him feel awful - he hadn’t eaten breakfast in years thanks to his mom.

“Anyway,” Virgil seemed to have recovered from Roman’s obnoxiousness. “We’re gonna hang out, and I wanna talk to you about what we should do.” 

Roman didn’t answer, just stared at the cereal that was quickly growing soggy before him. He couldn't say that had been unexpected, after all, Virgil was just one person. One barely adult person with a job for one person. Roman couldn't expect Virgil to keep him around forever, that was why Roman hadn’t actually planned to find him in the first place. 

“We did plan on rooming together,” Virgil continued, and Roman looked up in surprise. “And I’m fine with that because we’re friends. But we will need to figure out how to get you, well, started with life.”

“You don’t have to let me stay here,” Roman said, swallowing his worry. “I could call my Dad, go down to Texas…” ugh, that was the last thing he wanted to do.

“Like hell I’m letting you move to another state after this,” Virgil said, rolling his eyes. “I just… I worry about everything, Roman. So I’m worrying about everything at once, and that’s one thing that I could focus on. Y’know?”

“Yeah.” Roman smiled, then took a quick bite of the mushy cereal. 

“I mean, you don’t have any of the important things you need,” Virgil said, looking at the table as he rambled. “Birth certificate, social security card, etc.” Roman swallowed quickly.

“I know where they are.” He explained, fiddling with the spoon. “My- well,” Virgil looked up at him in surprise and Roman looked away. “She didn’t want me to have access to them, so she got a storage unit a few towns over. I was going to go there - I know the combination and everything.”

“Oh.” Virgil ran a hand through his hair, stretching. “Sorry.”

“I told you I had a plan,” Roman said softly, shrugging. “It was just a pretty messed up one.”

* * *

“Wh- hey that is totally not fair.” Virgil protested, glaring at Roman’s character on the television screen. Roman ignored him, racing off into the distance.

“Life isn’t fair, my Chemically Imbalanced Romance!” He cried, watching the screen in full concentration as he button-mashed. “Besides, we all know the only way to beat you is to cheat.”

“Who is this ‘we’?” Virgil asked incredulously as they played. “We’re alone.”

“You know who I mean.” Roman waved a hand for a moment before returning it to the controller. “Logan and Patton and Janus.”

“Whatever,” Virgil smirked as he aimed carefully at Roman’s character.

“Hey!”

They both looked up at a knock on the door and Virgil sighed, getting to his feet.

“That’s probably Patton and Logan,” he said, walking over to the peephole. He was right, and pulled the lock off and opened the door to let them inside. “Hey.”

“Hey, guys!” Patton bounced in, carrying a duffel bag stuffed with what must be clothes for Roman.

“We really should have thought of the clothes yesterday,” Logan commented as he followed and Virgil shut the door. Roman shrugged, though he still looked ridiculous swimming in Virgil’s sweatshirt.

“Greetings, beloved friends!” Roman got to his feet, letting Patton wrap him in a tight hug. 

Virgil noticed with a wince that, while a year ago the two of them had been close to the same size, Roman seemed to be so much more twiglike than ever before. Which, he noted internally, was saying something. Roman had been skinny as long as Virgil could remember, but now it was just ridiculous.

“What’s all this?” Virgil asked, noticing the folders and notebooks in Logan’s hands. Logan dropped them onto Virgil’s table and Virgil picked up one of the pamphlets, heart sinking. It was legal advice on dealing with domestic abuse. He could see other articles for mental health and emotional development as well. “Oh.”

“Let’s get you into something that fits better.” Patton was saying, opening the bag on the couch.

“Sounds splendid, not that I don’t appreciate the clothes, Virgil,” Roman said, laughing lightly as the sleeves fell over his hands again. Soon enough, Roman had vanished into the bathroom with a sweater and a pair of jeans from Patton.

“What do you think this stuff will get Roman to do?” Virgil asked quietly. “He’s really against pressing charges, Lo. It’s weird, he hates to mention her but he won’t even think of it.”

“Not uncommon, especially with family.” Logan shrugged and adjusted his glasses. “What have you two been doing today?” Virgil gestured to the video game they’d abandoned on the tv, two controllers lost in a mess of blankets.

“Hanging out, like you do with your bros,” he said flatly. Roman, who had just exited the bathroom, laughed loudly.

“Two bros, chilling on a floor, two feet apart cuz they’re not gay!”

“You are gay, Roman.” Logan pointed out. 

“True,” Roman said, expression shifting into an unreadable mix of emotions.

“I thought it was hilarious,” Virgil said, in the same flat voice he’s just spoken with. Patton giggled, and Roman smiled - though Virgil knew it was forced.

“So how’s it been with all you guys?” Roman asked brightly, grabbing a blanket from the floor to drape around his shoulders like a cape. “I know what Virge’s up to, but what about my lovely nerd and sugar cookie?”

“Awe!” Patton beamed at the nicknames.

“We’ve been, well, continuing,” Logan said softly. “Started college this fall, remember?”

“Oh yeah.” Roman nodded, obviously having forgotten.

Virgil wasn’t surprised, it was always hard to remember that Logan and Patton were a whole year older than he and Roman. Roman had been in advanced classes since he was a little kid, so he graduated before turning 18. Virgil had gotten sick of school and dropped out to get his GED instead the previous spring, just before Roman moved away. Now that Virgil pondered it, it was likely that Roman’s impressive schoolwork wasn’t just the result of a bright and excited child. But he didn’t want to dwell on that.

“Hold on,” Virgil took a step away from their group when his phone started ringing. To his surprise, it was Remus. He answered, bracing himself for Roman’s obnoxious brother's antics.

“Oh my god, Virgil, I’m so sorry!” Remus wailed immediately. Virgil would have thought it was a dumb prank if he didn’t know that was just how Remus was. “I wasn’t there for you, and I said I would be, and-”

“What?” Virgil asked, scowling at the ground. “Slow down. What are we talking about?”

“He told me to be there for you if he did it, but I didn’t think he would, I mean I knew he was having a bad time but I didn’t think he’d actually kill himself! And I would have been up there for the funeral but I-”

“What?” Virgil was even more confused. What was Remus talking about?

“And I know you guys were close, hell, Roman even told me that-”

“Wait, stop.” Virgil interrupted Remus’s babbling. “What about Roman?” The other three in the room fell silent and looked over at him.

“What do you mean ‘what about Roman’?” Remus snapped. “Our stupid mom didn’t call dad and me months ago when he died, and I just now found out, and-”

“Roman’s not dead.” Virgil protested. “He’s right here in my kitchen.”

“...what?” Remus’s voice was a choked whisper.

“Who told you he was dead?” Virgil asked, stomach sinking.

“Mom did! Why else wasn’t he responding to my texts and calls for the past six months?”

“Wanna talk to him?” Virgil turned back, seeing Roman’s worried gaze. “It’s Remus, Ro.”

“Remus?” Roman smiled, though it was a tired smile. He held out his hand for the phone. “What’s this about me being dead?” Roman frowned at the answer, walking away from his friends. 

“Remus, calm down,” Roman said. “I’m fine. Well, that’s…” He paused while Remus supposedly spoke.

“After you and dad left,” Roman sighed, shaking his head. “She got worse. A lot worse.”

Virgil glanced at Logan and Patton, who both looked as worried as he felt.

“That, and other things.” Roman picked absently at a scab on his arm. “What matters is that I’m not dead, and she told you because she probably thinks I am. It’s a long story.”

Virgil clenched his fists, glaring down at the floor. He couldn't believe this.

“Someone had to take care of her!” Roman snapped, lowering his voice. “I didn’t think she’d take it that far, okay? Just… can I please talk to dad?”

He sounded close to tears, and Virgil hated that he knew exactly what he’d do if he ever saw Roman’s mother again, it was not going to be pretty.

* * *

Roman stared blankly at the wall of Virgil’s apartment, trying his best to tune out his thoughts. She told them he was dead. Which meant she must think he’d frozen to death and either hadn’t been found or hadn’t been identified yet. She tried to kill him. Dr. Sanders had said that, yeah, but Roman didn’t want to believe it. She wouldn’t try to kill him, would she? After all, he was all she had left. 

That thought just brought more guilty ones into Roman’s head.

What if she forgot to go get groceries? What if she overdosed? What if she started to get depressed again? What if she-

“...Ro?” Roman looked up at Virgil, not quite seeing him. “You… okay?”

“Yeah.” Roman lied, clearing his throat slightly and rubbing his eyes. “Yeah, uh, sorry. Just zoning out.”

“Roman.” Virgil looked at him doubtfully and Roman sighed, burying his face in his arms.

“I’m sorry, Virge. I didn’t know Remus would call you, I didn’t know she’d call them, and-”

“It’s perfectly fine that Remus called me.” Virgil rolled his eyes. “I’m fine, Roman. I’m just worried about you. This can’t be easy, and I want to help.”

“You’ve already helped,” Roman said softly, hugging his knees tightly. Virgil sighed.

“Roman, come on.”

Roman ignored him, thoughts turning back to his mother. Anything could have happened since he left her. She could have gotten completely wasted, what if she got alcohol poisoning? What if she died? It would be his fault for not staying to take care of her. Fuck. Roman bit his lip, trying to forget about her. She’d hurt him, he knew that. But she was still his mother, he owed her so much from her taking care of him all those years. He could at least check on her. 

“Can I borrow your phone?” Roman asked, looking up at Virgil desperately. Virgil frowned.

“...why?”

“I…” Roman knew Virgil would hate the idea and he sighed, looking away. “I wanna call her,” he mumbled softly.

“What?”

“I wanna call her!” Roman said louder.

“I heard you, Roman, but what on earth…?” Virgil stared at him like he was crazy. “You just almost killed yourself to get away from that monster! Why on earth-”

“Sh-she’s not a monster…” Roman said softly, choking back sobs. Wasn’t she? Hadn’t she done things no one should ever do to a person, let alone their own child? Hadn’t she driven Roman to almost freeze to death in an attempt to escape? But, how could Roman know how much of that was the addiction? And her mental stuff?

“Why do you want to call her?” Virgil sighed, grabbing his phone from the coffee table. Roman stared at him. Virgil raised an eyebrow. “At least tell me why, before I decide.”

“I…” Roman stared uncertainly at his friend, thoughts racing. “She… I wanted to take care of her, Virge! That’s the whole reason I didn’t go to Texas with Remus and dad! She’s unstable, don’t you get that? If I hadn’t stuck it out, she’d be dead by now!”

“Ro…”

“I know you’re gonna tell me it’s not my responsibility,” Roman continued bitterly, wiping tears off his face. “That’s what Remus kept telling me, but I couldn't just… God, why did I leave? I planned for months to abandon her when she needs me!”

“Roman.” Virgil gently wrapped Roman in a hug and Roman melted into it, burying his face in Virgil’s hoodie. “I know you don’t believe it, but you're not the one that needs to take care of her. She’s made choices, and you are your own person. I…” Roman was shocked to hear that Virgil was also choked up. Why the hell was he this upset? “I want to keep you safe.” Virgil finally said. “And you calling your mom right now isn’t safe. What if she gets rid of all your stuff in the storage unit before we can get there? That’d put you back at square one.” Roman hated it when he was wrong.

“You’re right.” he sniffled into Virgil’s chest. “I just… I’m so worried about her.”

“Hey, she called your dad and Remus this morning.” Virgil pointed out. Oh yeah. Roman nodded, sitting back to rub the tears off his face.

“So I can’t use your phone?” he asked softly. Virgil hesitated, then held the phone out to him. Roman stared at it in surprise, then accepted it.

“I’m not gonna try and stop you,” Virgil mumbled grudgingly. “I can tell it is really important to you, I just wanted to know if you had a reason. And I wanted to tell you that I want you to stay safe. And if you’re gonna call her, call her while I’m in the bathroom.” He stood, squeezed Roman’s shoulder gently, and went into the bathroom across the apartment.

Roman stared after him, then down at the device in his hands. He quickly opened it up, dialing his mother's number, then hesitated, his finger hovering over the call button. He knew Virgil was right. Calling her could very well be dangerous, but leaving her alone would be dangerous for her. Ugh, why was his life like this? Why couldn't he just have a normal life? Roman closed Virgil’s phone and put it on the coffee table, hugging his legs to his chest.

He would wait until they got his stuff from the storage unit, after that he’d call her. They were going in the morning, anyway. It wouldn’t be that long.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? This is one of my favorite chapters in this fic so far I dunno why I just really like the vibes lol.  
> Thanks for reading!  
> Love you all,  
> -Coby


	4. a lot of regrets about that

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey so sorry it's been like a month and a half since I updated this lmao   
> I got sucked into a new hyperfixation of Criminal Minds (if you like that show, watch for some fanfiction of it lmao) and kinda forgot anything else existed for a few weeks lmao
> 
> Warnings: child abuse, PTSD, Stockholm syndrome, death mentions, food mentions, self-hatred

Virgil didn’t know what he’d expected, but it hadn’t been this. Roman had said she put his important documents in a storage unit, and that was all he knew. Roman gave him the address and they started out around ten and arrived at eleven. Roman knew the code to enter the lot, and the code to the storage unit he knew exactly where to locate. He pushed the door up, and Virgil’s mouth dropped open.

He didn’t know what he’d expected, but it hadn’t been this. All the boxes of Roman’s stuff, that he and Logan and Patton had helped Roman load into a U-Haul six months prior, were stacked haphazardly inside. As if they hadn’t been touched since they were put there. Other things too, but not a lot. Roman stood in the entrance and stared alongside Virgil, dark eyes skating over the sight.

“Roman…”

“They’re in here somewhere,” Roman mumbled, moving forward at last to one of the other boxes. He pulled it open and started looking through papers. “So are my laptop, wallet, and phone. Not that there’s anything in my wallet but a driver’s license.”

“R-right.” Virgil followed, opening a box near Roman. Inside were stacks of papers. School projects, doctors’ reports, report cards, etc. 

“She hasn’t been here, though,” Roman said as he sifted through his own pile of papers. “That’s good.”

“How long will this take?” Virgil asked worriedly. “It’s still pretty cold, and-”

“I have a jacket.” Roman reminded him, shoving the first box to the side and grabbing another. “Don’t worry.”

“I worry about everything.” Virgil protested, pulling out a manila folder and peering inside. “Hey, is this it?”

“Hm?” Roman looked up distractedly as Virgil pulled out what they were looking for. Roman’s birth certificate, school transcripts, social security information, all of it. “Oh, yeah, that’d be it.” 

“Roman…” Virgil glanced around the dark space with a frown before looking back at his friend. Roman was distracted, no surprise there, but he also seemed scared and anxious. “You’d tell me if something was actually wrong, right?”

“Yeah.” Roman got up and dusted off his borrowed pants, then went to the pile of boxes Virgil had recognized. “Sorry, V. Just thinking.”

“Where’s your phone and computer?” Virgil asked, slipping the documents back into the folder to stand up as well. “And what else do you need? I don’t have a ton of storage at my place, but…” his voice trailed off when he saw Roman’s shoulders shaking. “Ro?”

“Shit, why did she have to be like this?” Roman asked softly, leaning on the pile of boxes for support, still facing away from Virgil. “Why did she love me less than the alcohol?”

“I dunno, Roman…” Virgil walked toward him worriedly, gently placing a hand on Roman’s back between his shoulder blades. Roman flinched, and Virgil pulled his hand away quickly.

“She threatened to leave me here,” Roman whispered, staring at the wall of the storage unit. Virgil frowned. “She said she could lock me in and leave and I’d starve. She could have. No one was around. She could have gotten rid of me fair and square.”

“Roman, you don’t have to talk about those things,” Virgil said softly.

“Why? They’re true either way.” Roman rubbed his eyes and shook his head, moving one box to the side. “Saying or not saying them doesn’t change it.”

“Yeah…” Virgil put his hand on Roman’s shoulder, gently turning him so they could talk face to face. Roman stared up at him guiltily, then looked at the ground.

“I just wish she didn’t hate me,” Roman whispered helplessly. Virgil bit his lip, then pulled the smaller boy into a tight hug. Roman didn’t react other than sinking into the touch, shoulders shuddering with sobs once more.

“I know, Roman,” he whispered desperately. “I’m so… I don’t hate you. Patton and Logan don’t, either. It’s going to be okay.”

They stood there for a while, and then Roman stepped back and rubbed the tears off his face before turning to the stack of boxes.

“I’ll just grab my clothes and a few other things,” he said, voice surprisingly solid. “Shouldn’t take too much longer.”

“I’ve got all day,” Virgil told him, helping Roman pull open one of the boxes. 

Despite that, it only took about a half-hour to consolidate all the things Roman felt he needed into a few boxes. Clothes, a few books, his computer and phone, and an extra pair of shoes even though Patton had gifted him several.

“We can leave the rest here for a while,” Roman said, pulling the storage unit shut after they moved the boxes. “Until I get a bigger place or something.”

“Sounds good.” Virgil nodded, frowning at the redness in Roman’s cheeks. “Now get in the car, you’re cold.”

“Yeah yeah.” Roman rolled his eyes but got into the passenger seat anyway. Virgil got in and turned it on, making sure he put on the defrosters and warm air. “Thanks, Virge.”

“For what?” Virgil asked as they left the lot.

“For driving me here, for letting me crash on your couch, I dunno,” Roman said moodily, folding his arms. “For making sure I didn’t die.” Virgil sighed.

“For the last time, I’d do it again in a heartbeat. We’re friends, Romano, get used to it.” Roman didn’t say anything in reply, but Virgil glimpsed a relieved little smile on his face. Things would work out for Roman - Virgil would make them.

* * *

_ Roman shivered, rubbing his arms to try and warm them as he stumbled along the road. He’d nearly stopped at the cafe in the town near their house - but the owner was his mother's good friend. She wouldn’t let him leave, and she would make him go back to her. So he decided to keep walking. God, it was so cold. He couldn't feel his feet or his fingers, he couldn't feel half his body, to be honest.  _

_ He heard the sound of a car approaching and looked up, surprised. No one really used these roads - especially this early in the morning. It got closer and his stomach seemed to freeze like the rest of him. It was her. _

_ She came to a stop beside him - Roman wasn’t walking anymore. Why wasn’t he walking? He should be running. She got out of the car and stalked over, a venomous look in her eyes as she slapped him, sending Roman tumbling backward into the snow. It seemed to burn worse than actual fire had months earlier, and Roman cried out in pain, letting her grab his wrist and pull him back to his feet. _

_ “Do you really think I’d just let you go?” she snarled in his face. Roman opened his mouth to speak, but no sound came out. “Do you really think you’d make it out here? No one wants you. No one cares what happens to you - that’s why your father and brother left you behind when they left. They would have even if you didn’t volunteer because you’re useless. Hear me? Useless!” She smacked him again and Roman gasped, not falling over as she was still gripping his arm tight enough it was going to bruise. _

_ “Get in the car.” She snarled, shoving him towards it. “You’re going to get the beating of a lifetime, and then we’ll see if you ever consider leaving me again.” _

“Roman?” Roman fought the grip on his arms furiously, shaking his head. He had to get out - he couldn't get back in that stupid car. “Roman!” She hated him. She was going to keep him there until one of them died and that was that. “Roman, please!” 

Wait.

She didn’t use Roman’s name. She called him derogatory slurs or didn’t even address him when she yelled.

“Roman? Dude, please wake the fuck up.”

Roman’s eyes flew open and he gasped at the face before him. Virgil winced and sat back.

“Sorry. Personal space. You okay?”

“Virgil?” Roman’s shoulders sagged in relief and he collapsed back onto the hideabed. “Fuck. Sorry, I didn’t…”

“It’s fine.” Virgil insisted though he seemed rattled. “You were having a nightmare, and I was worried because you wouldn’t wake up.”

“I’m good.” Roman breathed out, letting his heart rate slow as he told himself over and over that it was just a dream. 

“...right.” Virgil didn’t believe him, but Roman probably wouldn’t either. “Uh, do you want to talk about it?” 

Roman didn’t answer, just staring at the ceiling. What did Virgil think? That he’d tell him about that and he’d suddenly be okay? He wasn’t okay. He was probably never going to be okay, or be useful for that matter. He was a mess, and there was nothing he could do about that. He shook his head as Virgil’s question hung in the air.

“Okay…” Virgil sighed, Roman felt the bed shift underneath him. “Well, do you want to go back to sleep or no? It’s already six AM anyway.”

“Couldn't sleep if I tried,” Roman explained, finally sitting up to look at his friend. Virgil had work at seven today, that was probably why he was awake and saw Roman was having a nightmare.

“Okay,” Virgil sighed and got up, running a hand through his hair. “Will you be alright hanging out alone till this afternoon? I don’t think you should walk in the cold yet and-”

“I’ll be fine,” Roman said softly, pressing a hand to his chest to feel his heart was still pounding, even though he did feel a bit calmer. “You have movies, and my computer should be charged. I can catch up on social media and stuff.”

“Okay.” Virgil still sounded worried, but he was Virgil. “Do you want any breakfast before I go? Obviously, you can make something while I’m gone since I work until two, but I haven’t eaten yet, so…” he trailed off with a sigh and Roman smiled. Virgil did have a habit of rambling, didn’t he? Had Roman forgotten, or had he just been preoccupied?

“Breakfast sounds fine,” he said, getting to his feet as well. Then he hesitated, looking at the floor. “Just… small portions for me.”

“Oh, sure.” Virgil nodded as they made their way to the kitchen. “I need to go shopping this afternoon, we’re almost out of cereal.”

Roman felt a twinge of guilt. That’s right - Virgil couldn't just support him forever. Food cost money, and Virgil couldn't have a ton of that. 

“How does my face look?” he asked. Virgil turned to look at him in surprise, one eyebrow raised.

“What?”

“My face.” Roman peered at his reflection on the stainless steel fridge. “Are the bruises going away?”

“I mean, they’re fading.” Virgil shrugged. “It’s only been a few days, though. Why?”

“Well, I’ve got to get a job sometime.” Roman sighed softly, staring at the floor. “I can’t just freeload, and-”

“You’ve been here for four days!” Virgil pointed out. “You can take it easy, you know. I’m not going to kick you out or anything.”

“Well, that’s good,” Roman mumbled, accepting the slightly smaller bowl of cereal Virgil handed him. “But my point still stands. I can have a job while I work things out, can’t I?”

“Work what things out?” Virgil asked, frowning. “You can stay here as long as you need.”

“I mean with my mom,” Roman said to his cereal, not looking up at Virgil. “And my dad, and Remus. She probably thinks I’m frozen to death, remember?”

“...right.” Virgil sounded crestfallen and Roman sighed.

“But I’ll probably not apply until the bruises are gone, so we can talk about it later if we need to.” He finally said, starting on his cereal. “So let’s not worry about it.”

“Right.” Virgil agreed a bit too quickly, and Roman felt bad for making him worry about more stuff than usual. The guy was anxious no matter what, and Roman just had to bring up complicated things at six-thirty am. They ate in silence after that until Virgil stood and rinsed out his bowl.

“Well, I need to hurry if I don’t want to be late.” He said softly.

“No worries. I can hold down the fort.” Roman grinned widely and Virgil snorted. “I’ll protect your belongings with my life.”

“If you die for my crappy stuff I’ll kill you,” Virgil said, grabbing his backpack and keys. “Take it easy.”

“Anything for you, my dark and stormy knight!” Roman said dramatically. Virgil rolled his eyes and gave a tiny salute before going out the door. 

Roman sat at the table for a few more minutes, imagining Virgil heading to the parking lot and getting into his truck. The truck that, instead of his mom’s beat-up Subaru, had pulled up beside Roman on that snowy morning. 

That train of thought, of course, brought Roman back to thinking about his mother. She’d told his family he was dead. She thought he was dead. Was she upset? Did she regret it? Did she, possibly, miss him? Roman groaned and buried his face in his arms, abandoning the cereal he’d barely touched. Why did he care? She was his mom. She’d taken care of him before this all started, and it was technically his own fault that he got kicked out into the snow. If he’d just dealt with the life he had, things would be fine. But no, he had to run away and almost freeze to death.

Roman got up and went to the coffee table where his phone and computer sat, having been on chargers for a day and a half to try and revive them from their stay in the storage unit. His phone started, and he wasn’t sure if he was happy about that or not. But Roman ignored his better judgment and plopped onto the hideabed as he found his mother's contact. He’d put the bed away after he called her, just to check on her.

It rang a few times before she picked up, answering in her fake cheerful voice she used for strangers. She didn’t have him in her phone, did she? 

“Hello?”

“...Mom?” Roman blinked back tears at her voice. Gosh, why was he so emotional about this? She remained silent, but he could hear her breathing. “Mom, it’s me. I-”

“You.” her voice transformed from the first to this cruel sneering tone instantly. “You’re alive after all, are you?”

“Um, yeah,” Roman took a deep breath and put a hand over his eyes. “Listen, are you-”

“Did someone take pity on your sorry ass and pick you up?” she snarled. “Are you holed up in some homeless shelter with your things?”

“Mom, please,” Roman said, trying to keep his voice from shaking. “Are you okay? Did you remember to get food for yourself, and-”

“Why do you care?” she snapped. “You left, remember? And I’m glad you did. I don’t have to deal with your crap anymore. I thought I was finally rid of you, but you’re alive. How convenient for you. And I suppose now you want me to take you back, right?”

“No, I just-”

“Well, I won’t.” Roman put a hand over his mouth as she raged on. “I don’t ever want to see your useless face again, boy. I don’t care what you do, you’re a big adult now remember? You can take care of yourself! You’ll have to learn to do that before you try and tell me what I need, don’t you think?”

“Yes,” Roman said softly, rubbing tears out of his eyes.

“Good.” She spoke as if they’d just had a conversation about work or the weather. “Now delete my number and know that no matter what you do, I never want to see you again.”

She hung up. Roman sat there, the phone to his ear, for what felt like hours afterward. What? What just happened? After all the shit she’d told him about being the only person who cared enough to take him in, she doesn’t actually care about him? At all? He just wanted to do what was right, didn’t she understand that? Didn’t she understand that if he’d left with Dad and Remus she’d have died the night she got alcohol poisoning? Didn’t she care?

Evidently not. 

Roman got up and put his phone back on the coffee table before putting away the hideabed and folding Virgil’s blankets. He felt awful. Empty. Maybe Virgil had been right about calling her, it hadn’t done anything for him but take away what little faith he had - that just maybe this was all a big misunderstanding.

But it wasn’t, and Roman understood perfectly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oof my poor baby anyway sorry again for taking ages to update lmao  
> no promises on when the next one will be my mind is still kinda in a CM haze so I might post some fanfiction for that before continuing this story  
> Love you all,  
> -Coby

**Author's Note:**

> Thoughts? I've been working on this for a WHILE but after hearing Taylor Swifts new album (this song specifically) the rest of the plot kinda just fell into place. I'm not done writing it completely, so updates might be sporadic, but I'm trying my best here lol. Also dealing with mental health things and life circumstances will mess it up lmaoo anyways.
> 
> Love you all,  
> \- Coby (Jason is here too)


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